What is Love? ("baby don't hurt me..." Sorry, I started singing)

A debate was sparked today between my best friend and me regarding love. Maybe it wasn’t so much a “debate” but a disagreement. She has never understood or accepted my idea of love and I don’t expect her to. I decided to try to explain my thoughts and feelings in hopes that perhaps she and others might be able to “get” how I feel about the subject. I think that women of my generation grew up with Disney movies and fairy tales and saw that a happy ever after was with a prince and marriage and a castle. We were conditioned to believe that our Prince Charming would be tall, dark, and handsome and sweep us off our feet on a white horse, carrying us away into the night. As a young child, that was what I saw my life to be when I grew up. As I grew and changed, my future plans changed. I realized I wasn’t going to be a princess, unfortunately. Instead, I wanted to be a Stepford Wife with the white picket fence and perfect hair with two incredibly polite cute children and a handsome rich husband. Obviously that didn’t happen either. As life happened, my views on life changed. I realized over time what was important. Money? It’s necessary, but not important. Looks? Eh, not important…except that I find them attractive (which, believe me, I can find almost ANYONE attractive if their personality makes up for it). Having a horse (or nice car)? Definitely not important. Through each failed relationship, I learned what I needed and wanted from a partner. I learned what I could deal with and what I couldn’t stand. I learned my strengths and found out who I was and what I could give. My girlfriend believes that love should come easy. That when it’s real and it’s true, everything falls into place and you understand each other. That things shouldn’t be hard, you shouldn’t have to work at love. The problem with that, for me, is that if that were true, I wouldn’t ever be in a relationship with ANYONE. I’m a very hard person to love. I know this. Yes, it’s easy for my friends to love me. It’s easy for people who barely know me to love me. But when you are trying to love me as a partner, it’s the most difficult thing in the world and I applaud anyone who tries. I am hard headed, stuck in my ways, emotional, combative, accusatory, etc. when I want to be. On the same token, I am also kind, loving, open minded, logical, understanding, etc. when I want to be. I have been in love before. Different kinds of love. Have I been in true love before? Soulmate love? I thought so. There was a time when I loved someone with my whole being, everything I was. The problem was that I was young. I didn’t know what I wanted or needed. I expected too much from them and expected not enough of myself. I learned a lot from that relationship and I honestly believe that it was a kind of love to teach me about myself. To teach me what I wanted from a relationship and from love. Now, I’m in a different kind of love. A love that my friend doesn’t understand. It’s a hard love. It’s an “I’m trying to get to know you, but what I do know I can’t live without” love. It’s a long distance love. It’s a “we have a lot of logistical shit to figure out” love. It’s a day to day love. I know what’s important now. I know what I need and what I want. I want someone who is an equal. Someone who can make me laugh and who understands my humor. Someone who takes my kids in and loves them because they love me. Someone who can look at me and without any words, calm me down if I’m worked up. Someone who understands who I am and where I come from and won’t hold that against me. Someone who accepts my past and looks forward to our future. I don’t need fancy cars or a big ol house, although they’d be nice. I don’t need a rock on my finger or a big white wedding, although marriage is a nice idea. I don’t need someone who always agrees with me or loves every little thing about me, although I know I’m right, so if they agreed it would make them extremely intelligent. My buttons need to be pushed. I need to be challenged, intellectually and socially. I want to be outside of my comfort zone and dared to do more than I think I can do. I want to be able to debate or fight with the person I love and get so mad that I don’t know what to even think anymore, and then come together and agree to disagree. Or they can learn and just agree with me. I am a passionate person and love passionately, which means I get upset easily but also am pleased easily. The kind of love that I need takes time to develop. It takes time to learn someone’s trigger points and maneuver them. I don’t want an easy love. I WANT a love that I work at every day. I don’t ever want to feel that I’m not showing the person I love that I love them. I believe everyone’s fairy tales are different. My fairy tale involves a tall dark handsome man who challenges me in every way. He’s not perfect, so far from it that I am shocked we click so well since I am as close to perfect as a person can get. He understands me and loves me and wants me. I knew I wouldn’t get a Prince Charming after I turned ten, now that I’m almost thirty, I don’t want him anyway.

The Last Year of My Love Life (which isn't much)

Have you ever had things happen in your life that make you think, “this has GOT to be fate”? Have things ever just fallen into place TOO perfectly? Have you ever felt as though the universe was pushing you in a direction and no matter how hard you fought, it was a losing battle? Exactly one year ago today I split with someone I thought I loved and cared about with everything I was. It was obviously all an act that he put on though because as soon as we broke up, everyone, including me, saw who he truly was inside. He wasn’t a very nice person at all. So I, naturally, at that time was heartbroken. I couldn’t seem to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. My best friend told me to do what every red blooded female should do. Go out and find someone new. Her one caveat was that I had to find someone who was the exact opposite of what I would normally be attracted to. I had to step outside of my comfort zone and find a guy who wasn’t “preppy douchebag” (that’s always been my type). About 3 weeks after the breakup, I decided I felt good enough again to put myself out there, and by that I mean, get drunk and actually talk to a guy. I went out, by myself, to an open mike session that a friend was going to be playing in. I figured I’d show up for a bit, drink a few beers, and head home if I wasn’t feeling it. I got there, it was empty except for my two friends so I decided to stay and have a beer, then leave. I didn’t even get that far. As soon as I sat down this guy came in. He was easily the best looking guy in the entire place (a few more people had shown up, so it wasn’t SO empty anymore) and definitely the best smelling. Just being around him was intoxicating. AND he wasn’t my type! He was a 180 degree change from my normal douchebag type. He had piercings and tattoos and colored hair…the kind of guy that my dad would have kicked my ass for bringing home. I talked to him a bit, he seemed sweet but I felt that I definitely wasn’t in the same league so I didn’t try to go any further than talking. And when I say league, I mean it in a way that we weren’t the same kinds of people. Not that one of us was better than the other, but that I am a nerd and he was a musician, completely different. I ended up leaving and heading to another bar to meet up with a girlfriend before I went home. It was pretty boring and I danced…a lot. I got tired and was about to be on my way out the doors when I stopped dead in my tracks. There he was. The same gorgeous man I had seen at the open mike was at this bar. They were on opposite sides of town and he just happened to show up there? It was a little coincidental, so I figured that the powers that be were trying to tell me something (not sure what yet), so I stayed. I downed another beer and got the courage to talk to him. We ended up dancing the night away and I decided I wanted him. I took him home, hung out one more time a few days later and that was it. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why neither of us pursued anything more at the time. I think I was still jaded though. I didn’t believe that I deserved to be happy because it kept being taken from me. I had a lot I had to work through. A month later, I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t even put two and two together to know that it could be the fantastic smelling guy I’d had the time of my life with. I naturally assumed it was from my ex and hated my life. I decided to keep the baby, even with cries of abortion from my ex. It was a really hard first three months to go through. Every day I got either a text or a call begging me to abort the baby. I knew that if I did go through with it, I’d be doing it alone and I had to be prepared for that. Every night I’d look at Kynedi and Colevin and I knew that I was strong enough to have the baby, no matter how hard it turned out to be. When I was about 4 months pregnant, I got a call from some people who were looking into something and was asked if I knew a list of names. That’s when I was reminded of that night. His name was the only name I recognized and my heart stopped. All of a sudden, the dates and events came back to me in a rush and I realized that the child inside of me was most likely this stranger’s. I panicked, I didn’t know what to do. I called my girlfriends together and sought their advice. That began the long ordeal throughout my pregnancy of, do I tell or not? I felt that it would be best to wait until she came out and if I felt the possibility was real, I would decide what to do at that point. When my beautiful little girl was born, I honestly didn’t think she was so beautiful at first, but that’s beside the point. When she was born, the nurse gave me her blood type. I was shocked because it wasn’t mine, it was different. The nurse explained that daddy must be that blood type. This was new to me, but also I suddenly had some proof instead of DNA. For me, the proof was in looking at her. Every single day, she grew into the man I briefly fell for the summer before. It was such an overwhelmingly obvious resemblance that one day I broke down. I had to tell him, but I didn’t know how. I texted him and asked him what his blood type was, hoping he would ask why I was asking or get a clue. He knew I was pregnant because we had become friends on Facebook when we met and of course, I had pictures up. He didn’t ask why I asked, he didn’t press any further, he told me and I said ok and that was it. I didn’t know what to do. I figured that would have open the flood gates but nope. Either he knew what I was getting at and didn’t want to know or he got those kinds of questions all the time. Either way, I had no idea how else to bring it up gently without scaring him away. A week later, he commented on how beautiful my little girl was and asked about her dad. I couldn’t hold back. I had to tell him. It took about a total of ten hours of talking and discussing and he took it better than I could imagine. Turns out, we both still had a thing for each other. Honestly, I’d never stopped having feelings for him. I swear it was his intoxicating smell and piercing eyes that did it for me. I hadn’t dated since him and didn’t want to, really. I decided if I could financially work things out, I would bring our daughter to see him and take extra maternity leave in order to do it. The weird thing is it actually worked out. I hadn’t planned on taking much leave because I didn’t have the finances and all of a sudden, everything fell into place so easily that it seemed incredibly strange. Again, I felt like the universe was pushing me in a certain direction. I’ve always believed in destiny and fate and all that nonsense. Whether I say I do or not, I always have. I truly believe, deep in my heart, that there is a reason for this man to be in my life. He is someone I would have NEVER seen myself with but I think that’s probably the relationships that last the longest. I feel extremely lucky that he has treated me so incredibly well considering that I waited to tell him about his baby girl and that he loves her more than I could ever ask a man to love his daughter. I can only look to the future and hope that the universe keeps pushing us together because I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time and our daughter deserves a family.

Here, there, and everywhere in between

I'm baaaack!! I haven't been blogging in awhile and I have so much to say that I don't even know where to start! Let me start by saying that the reason I dropped off the face of the earth (or at least the blogosphere) is because I was pregnant and gave birth to a gorgeous little girl named Sophia. It's been extremely busy and hard being a single mom to three kids, one being a newborn. You will never know until you do it. I have friends who are stay at home moms or who have husbands who work out of town and they like to say they understand, but it's not the same. Yes, I feel for these moms because being any kind of mom is the hardest job you'll ever have. Yet, when I was pregnant, I came home to an empty house, no one greeted me or asked how my day was. No one cuddled me and felt baby move. I had no one to clean up the bathroom after I got nauseous and puked everywhere. I even had to teach my older children how to make their own food because I couldn't be near it without getting sick. I didn't have a partner's support and it sucked. I did have my girlfriends though. They were my salvation. When I needed to vent, if they weren't busy, they listened. When I went into labor, they were there with gloves on. Once Sophia was born, she lit up my life and everyone who met her. She has a beautiful spirit and gorgeous smile. She has so many adopted aunties and uncles that I can't even count them all. Like I said, she's very well loved. When she was about a month old, I got up the courage to tell her biological dad that he had a daughter. It scared me to death, but he fell head over heels in love with her too. Having my last baby made me think a lot. I'm not happy. Believe me, I have three beautiful children, amazing friends, and a great job. I'm content, but not HAPPY. I just got done visiting Sophia's daddy and his family. For the first time in a long time, I felt HAPPY. I also visited with my sister and I was HAPPY. Yes, life isn't peaches and cream and my close friends know I had some issues during my vacation where I wasn't so happy, but for the most part, I was. I got to see my sister and my nephew with my baby girl. I got to see the man I love hold his baby girl and never want to let go. I got to see my daughter have a whole family of flesh and blood who couldn't bear to see her leave. I realized what I've been missing...family, a partner, love. As much as friends try to be family, it's hard because most of my friends are married or dating with their own families. My older babies have their father's family. I honestly don't know where this post is going or what I was trying to say. My thoughts just poured out and I know now what I have to do. I need to follow my heart and take a leap of faith. Wish me luck and I will actually have a thought out post next time!

High Quality People equals a High Quality Life.

I've been seeing a lot of people talk about not being able to trust others and not needing other people in their lives lately. It makes me sad and I feel as though I need to share what I have learned in the past few years thanks mainly in part to a close friend from high school. I haven't had an easy time and the relationships that I've had have definitely given me reason to crawl into a hole never to return to human contact. I've been cheated on, lied to, physically/emotionally/mentally abused, and countless other things. If anything, I should never want to be around people again, for the rest of my life.
Then I was given some advice that I try to live my life by. ""If the guy that is talking to you doesn't have the life you want, his opinion doesn't matter". Basically, what I have come to learn is that you have to surround yourself with high quality people in order to achieve success in both life and your relationships. If you want to have a successful career, seek out people who already have one. If you want a happy, long lasting marriage, seek out people who have already done it. If you want happy, healthy children, seek out people who have them. Don't surround yourself with people who bring you down to their level. Surround yourself with people who build you up.
When you are in a situation where someone hurts you, sometimes you'll make a general opinion regarding all people of that sex, race, etc. Then, in order to continue believing this stereotype that you've concocted, you decided to seek out people who fit that stereotype in order to prove you are right. For example, I have a friend who was cheated on and lied to by an ex. He says that all women are untrustworthy and dishonest. When he met me, I was as honest with him as I could be, I was straight-forward about my past and explained everything I'd been through and done. I've been honest with him since. He couldn't deal with that because I didn't fit his self-fulfilled prophecy of "women are not to be trusted". But then I see the women that he continues to surround himself with and they are definitely "not to be trusted". As far as I know, they have slept with most of my friends (at the same time) and are definitely NOT high quality women. By seeking out these women, my friend is fulfilling his stereotype, therefore proving himself right.
High quality people lead to high quality relationships. I have had to cut many a person from my life because they were not high quality people who had something to offer to the relationship. I have friends that are merely acquaintances, people that I will go for a drink with once in awhile, but never anything more. But then there are people that I respect and look up to, people who are good to their friends, family, have successful careers, etc.
All I am asking is that everyone takes a moment to really reflect on their relationships with people and their lives. If you feel that everyone always lets you down and you can't trust the people in your life, look at the people around you. Are they high quality people? Do they care enough about their own lives that they are secure, successful, and happy? If not, it will be hard, but you may need to weed out some friends and sometimes even family.

Healthy?

So I have a thought that I'd like to share because it both bothers and confuses me and perhaps someone can explain it to me. Now, I've never been married, but I've been in serious live-in relationships with children where we might as well have been married. I have a few married friends who have clearly expressed to me that they don't need/want anyone in their life other than their husbands. Which, in turn, makes me feel as though, why the hell are we even talking then? If you don't want me in your life, why am I a part of it?
I look at these relationships as unhealthy. I don't respect them and I sure as heck don't ever want one. Why would I want my world to revolve around one person? I've been there, done that, and lost who I was in the whole scheme of things. I lost friends and when I needed someone to lean on, I had no one. I don't ever want to have my significant other have a business trip, or a guy's night and be upset because I don't have friends of my own to occupy me or because I can't stand to be in my own company.
I was in a relationship once where my partner worked long hours. He started working two jobs and I had let myself get into a rut where I didn't hang out with anyone but him. While he was at work, I would either be at work, or sit at home waiting for him to get home. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I stopped going out and doing things. I lost my own life that I had before we got together.
People might tell me that I haven't met the right person yet. They might say that when I find someone who is my soul mate, then I'll understand. I don't think that's the case. I think I've been in plenty of unhealthy relationships and I realize that it's healthy to have your own friends outside of a relationship. It's not healthy to cling to someone and say, all I need is you and I don't need friends or a life of my own outside of our relationship.
I asked an older, very happily married friend how she felt about this thought and she agreed with my thoughts. She said that if she didn't have her alone time, the time with her girlfriends, she wouldn't be who she is. Her husband has his fishing nights and weekend camping trips with his guy friends, she has her getaways with her girlfriends and standing dates with her girls. They have their own lives, but also do plenty of things together. They respect each other's "friend time" and this has led to a happy marriage of 20 years. I'd like a relationship like that. That's what I aim for. One where I DO need my friends in addition to my spouse and children. Friends can keep you sane and help to relieve some of your nags and complaints about your husband that you may not want to necessarily bring up to him. And I'm perfectly happy being single until I find someone with the same philosophy.

Infuriating Words

I've been thinking for awhile how to broach this subject and there's no easy or politically correct way for me to ease into it, so I'm just going to jump right in and say what I think.
As a mother of two mixed race children, racism is something that has not only ALWAYS bothered me, but that downright infuriates me after giving birth to them. To know that my beautiful, smart, kind babies may be judged due to the color of their skin or the coarseness of their hair is something that hurts down to the core of my soul.
Now, I'm not saying that I don't appreciate race jokes or culture jokes. If it's in good fun, it's fine by me. Stereotypes are there for a reason, enough people of one race or culture portrayed an image that it became a stereotype. When someone teases about stereotypes or jokes about them, I don't become offended. When the offensive names are pulled, THAT'S when I become offended. I should not be able to log onto Facebook and see the N word in a status. It's uncalled for and has such negative connotations associated with it that it makes my eyes red with fury.
When I was a little girl, I remember driving in the car with my parents. I don't know where it came from or why, but they told my sister and I that if we ever dated a black guy that we would be disowned. I blew it off then, I was only five years old, how was that going to affect my life of bubbles and dress up? Well, it affected my life at 14 when my first boyfriend came to my house and he was half black. My dad sat me down that night and told me I couldn't date him and that I was ruining my life because the "good white boys" are going to think I'm a "Nword lover" and not want to date me. I was so hurt that I went to my room and cried all night while writing in my journal. To be honest, I had never even noticed that my boyfriend was of a different color or race. I saw a cute, sweet, nice, funny guy who I had fun with. I didn't see a color or ethnicity.
In my mind, race is something that you can not help. It's something that you are born with. It's not your fault that you were born a certain color. I couldn't help but think that if my family was so superficial that the color of someone's skin would affect how they immediately thought of them, then what about someone who was born disabled, or with a big nose, or a deformity of some kind? Would they shun them as well or was it just a skin thing?
I understand that PEOPLE can be stereotypical and act like crappy PEOPLE, but that doesn't mean that every single person of a specific race is like the other. We are all different and we should embrace that diversity. Judging someone because of their color or their hair color or the size of their nose is ignorant and just shows me that I can't take your opinions seriously.
I had hope that racism was dead. That it was something that only the south dealt with and that even there, it wasn't too bad. I thought that as a society we had grown up and moved forward. Then, I had my children and the first black man ran for president. It was ridiculous how much I heard about his race and where he was from and what religion he might be. I thought politics was supposed to be about policy and principles and ideals, not all the other stuff people talked about. I worked for his campaign and in trying to talk with people, I was bombarded with more racist remarks than I had heard in my life, and I grew up with pretty racist people surrounding me. I've never heard the N word more than I have in the past few years that he has been in the White House. It sickens me. Don't like him because of his policies, what color he is shouldn't have anything to do with why you don't like him. And the "monkey" jokes that people like to forward about the first lady, are utterly disgraceful.
Right now I'm looking at a picture of my son. He looks too much like his daddy for his own good. He has gorgeous ringlet curls, a wide smushed nose, pillowy lips, tan skin, and deep brown eyes. I see a little boy with a huge caring heart, a sensitive soul, an intelligent inquiring brain, and a laugh that could make the crankiest old man crack a smile. Yet, I know that someday he will encounter ignorance and I can't protect him from that. I can't always be there as he grows up to thwart the mean hurtful people. My daughter has already been introduced to the fact that she is different. She came home from daycare and told me how one of her friends called her "brown" and asked why she wasn't like her. Then my inquisitive daughter looked at me and said, "Mom how come you aren't brown like daddy, me, and Colevin?" How do you even respond to that? How do I teach her how beautiful she is BECAUSE she's different? How do I make my children tough enough to not only withstand the normal teasing and bullying, but also the racism that their father had to endure in his life?

Just a thought...

I've been thinking a lot lately about family values and "ideal" situations in which to have children. When I was little, I wanted to get married, have kids, and own a cute little house with a white picket fence. Depending on how I was feeling, there would be a dog in there somewhere. My life didn't turn out that way. My children are split between two homes and both of their parents are single parents just trying to give them the life that they deserve.

Someone in my life recently told me that children should be raised in the home with both of their parents, no matter the situation, they should stay together for the kids. Yes, that is the ideal, but life doesn't always work out that way. In my situation, I loved my children's father with everything I had and I believe that he felt the same. The problem was that we didn't work out together. We were both so passionate, controlling, and manipulative of each other that it turned into an ugly situation for everyone involved.
Kynedi and Colevin are the ones who benefited from us deciding to split and go our separate ways. No matter which home they are in, they are loved more than they could ever imagine. My friends and family have stepped in and helped me to provide good examples of behavior and I can't imagine how I could ever thank them for all their support. I remember when I was pregnant with Colevin and thinking of leaving for good and I thought, I don't know how I could be a single mom with TWO kids. Not once did I ever think about not having him, or giving him up. I may not have ever had the "ideal" situation for my children, but we have made the best of life and came out pretty damn good.
My children are only five and three, but let me tell you, they are intelligent, funny, independent, and have the biggest hearts I've ever seen. I can see them having a fulfilling, happy, wonderful life all the while making their mom and dad so proud. I know my life isn't perfect, or "ideal", and neither is theirs. But I'm so glad they're here because they make my life a little more complete.