I love you

I love you.

I love the way you look at me. The way your eyes dance with delight as though you have a secret that you can't wait to share with me. The way your lips turn upwards into the most magnificent smile I've ever laid eyes on. The way your breath catches as my name slips out of your mouth.
I love the way you hold me. The way your strong arms wrap all the way around me and make me feel as though nothing in the world could ever hurt me. The way your legs drape over mine and keep me warm at night. The way your fingers interlock perfectly with mine. The way my head fits exactly perfectly in your armpit.
I love the way you not only think I'm beautiful, not only tell me I'm beautiful, not only show me I'm beautiful, but you make me FEEL as though I'm beautiful. The way your fingers caress my face when you think I'm sleeping. The way your lips gently brush across my forehead. The way your eyes undress me. The way you actually undress me as though I'm a present that you can't wait to open.
I love your sense of humor. The way you will say anything, anywhere, no matter who is around. The way you get excited like a little kid over the smallest things. The way you are such a goofball with me. The way you laugh at my jokes because you actually think I'm funny. The way you get me and MY crazy sense of humor.
I love your brain. The way you surprise me everyday with how intelligent and worldly you are. The way you are well rounded and open minded all at the same time.
I love everything about you. I never thought I would be this lucky to be able to find someone who made me feel the way I feel when I'm with you. You respect me, you listen to me, you treat me like the princess that I deserve to be treated like. I don't think I could ever ask for anything more than what you give to me and I don't think I want to. For once in my life, I'm content and satisfied with who I am and who I am with. Everyone always told me that when I stopped looking, love would sneak up on me and catch me off guard. That's what you did. When I met you, all I expected was friendship. How could someone as wonderful as you be interested in me? But you were. You saw something in me that I suppose was the same thing I saw in you once I looked past the superficial exterior.
I love you even more every single time I look at you. When our eyes meet, my heart skips a beat and I feel my knees go weak. The difference between this and other times I've been in love/lust? People close to me see it as well. They see it when I talk about you, when we're together, and when I look at you. This is the real deal for me.
I love you.

A Toast to my Best Friend on her Wedding Day

In my life, I have seen so many types of relationships around me. I have seen people fall in love, get married, and live their lives together. People who fell in love and decided a few years later that it just wasn't right anymore. It's a rare thing to find someone that you love enough to spend the rest of your life with them. What's even rarer, is finding your soul mate, the person that you couldn't imagine your life without, knowing the instant you meet this person that your heart will forever be theirs. That is what Jessica and Jason have.
I remember when I met Jessica, she had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was busy finding herself. Since I was in the same boat, we figured we would help to find each other. In the process, I met the best friend that anyone could ever dream of. We share(d) everything, from dating to clothes to bowel movements. There were never any secrets among us. So when she met Jason, I definitely heard about it. I'll never forget the text I received from her the day after she met him. I knew right away that I had to meet this guy. When I did, I wasn't disappointed. From the way he looked at her, to the way he respected her, I knew this was the real deal. Problem was, Jessica wasn't ready for the real deal. She had been hurt and was skeptical of love. All I could do was stand by and watch as Jason and Jessica flirted with the boundary of what resembled a relationship.
I will be honest, as much as I pushed them together, trying to make her see that he was perfect for her, I was skeptical as well. I had stopped believing in soul mates and fate and all that fairytale nonsense because life wasn't working out. Then Jessica and Jason gave me my hope back. When she was finally ready to give it a go, she drove to his work and gave him a kiss and told him she was ready. I almost cried I was so happy they were finally officially together. They moved extremely fast in my eyes (and everyone else's, I'm sure), I didn't understand how they were so sure. I didn't get how they knew that this was it. It's as though I blinked and they were one Brady Bunch family.
But when you see them together, you understand. You believe in true love, soul mates, destiny, fate, and all that fairytale stuff that Disney wanted you to believe in. They are mirror images of each other, complimenting each other's faults and inspiring each other's dreams. I will never doubt Jason's love for my best friend and because of that, he has become my best friend as well. I will never have the fear that he will hurt her in any way intentionally and he will always be there for her in every way imaginable. The same goes for Jessica. If you've ever heard her talk about Jason, which I'm sure everyone has since he's her favorite topic, you can't help but hear the overwhelming love in her voice or the twinkle in her eyes. Their love is something indescribable. It's the kind of love that you see in the movies, or old love songs. The kind that makes everyone around you want to puke because it's so saccharine and oozing with desire. The kind that most people never get the chance to experience and if you do, you are one of the lucky ones.

I want to thank them. I had given up completely, every relationship around me was falling apart and I didn't think love was something that was even possible anymore. Yet, then Jason and Jessica came out of nowhere, defying all my negative logic. They gave me hope that someday I'd find MY Jason. Thanks to their example, I did. I owe my heart to them and finally, I understand. I understand the unexplainable, undeniable love that overwhelms them. I can finally understand how they were able to move so fast and still know without a doubt that this was what was right. Even with the naysayers and the people telling Jess that she couldn't get remarried so soon and they weren't thinking about the kids and to just slow down. They proved them all wrong. I love them, I love their love, and I love how they showed me to love again. And even above all that, I love that they showed me how a true love works, how things fall into place and you don't have to try or fight to make it work. It just happens. Congratulations to my two best friends, my brother and my sister. May you be blessed with all you deserve in life. I love you.

What Makes a Father?

Father's Day, a day to celebrate fathers. What happens when you really don't have one? Or what if you have many and you aren't sure which one deserves to be celebrated? When I was young, it was easy, my father was my dad. I got him a card and perhaps a little gift that I made and that was that. Now, it's not so simple. The question goes back to who do I celebrate? Is it the dad who raised me, beat me, and disowned me when I had (in his words) "n*gger children"? Is it the biological father who I've never met but came into my life at 23 years old and is asking for a relationship? Or is it the man who met me only a year ago and loves me like a daughter and my children like grandchildren, who's been there for me this past year unlike anyone else? Could it be all three?
Starting with my dad, no matter how much I try to forget, the man who raised me will always be my dad. He's the one who took me camping, taught me how to drive, and was there for me when I started my period for the first time. He is also the one who spanked me with his belt buckle, broke my glasses against my face, and threw me against the fireplace. He is the one who stopped talking to me when he found out I had children who were a quarter black and proceeded to tell me that he wouldn't have "n words" in his family. I stopped trying to speak to him after that. I still hear bits and pieces from my family about how much he hates me, how disappointed in how I turned out he is, and how my life is pretty much a big ol failure in his eyes. Someone told me I should send him a card at least, but I haven't even gotten birthday cards from him in years, why would he deserve a father's day card? I was legally adopted, bear his name, but because I'm not blood, I'm easily forgotten.
Now, my biological father, who I call my father to not mistake the two, is a stranger to me. I couldn't pick him out in a lineup if it was to save my life. I'm sure we have enough features in common that I could make an educated guess, but I'm not holding my breath. This is the man who gave me life. I wouldn't be here without him, but other than that, he's nothing to me. I wish that wasn't the case. I wish he had been around, that I had gotten to know him, and perhaps I will before he leaves this earth. I've heard various stories as to why he wasn't there for me and it's difficult to determine the truth. All I know is that I felt abandoned at 12 years old when I found out that my life wasn't what I thought it was. When I learned that my dad wasn't my biological father, I spent my teenage and early adult years wondering why my biological father didn't want me. Why did he leave me? Why was I that easy to walk away from?
And this brings me to the closest thing to a father figure that I have now. I accidentally drunk dialed the man who gives me hope that there are good fathers out there. He and his wife have taken me in and loved me like their own. He has helped me through life and love in the year that I've known him and helped me to realize that perhaps maybe I'm not worthless. I'm still weary because, as you can see, I have horrible experience with men in my life actually sticking around. But my Alaskan dad is truly an angel from heaven. He is there when I need him, giving me faith in men again.
In looking back at my life, it's no wonder I have abandonment issues and issues with men. No man has ever stuck around, even the ones who are supposed to. I wish I could express the pain, rejection, and worthlessness that I've felt in the past 26 years. There is no way I could ever even begin to describe the feelings that a young child has when they find out that their own blood didn't want them (even if that wasn't the case, it's how I felt and what I was told). For a young mother to have the only dad she ever knew disown her because of the race of her children when her entire life he called her a failure, I can't explain how that hurts.
I started writing this because I have seen a lot of pain that angers me. I am a messed up child with so many issues that I believe falls on the fact that I don't have a steady male figure in my life. So when I see women who have amazing men who WANT to be fathers and WANT to be in their children's lives, and these women choose to cut the man out because they are selfish, that sparks a fire inside of me. I don't think they realize that a good man, a good father, is extremely rare. A man who actually steps up and wants to take responsibility for his actions, I applaud them. I wish that mothers could see that we have to do what is in the best interest of our children. Yes, if a man is abusive, fight to have him stay away from your child. But if a man is a good man and a good father, for god's sake, don't let that kid turn into me. Don't allow that child to feel worthless. And men, step up. If you have a child with someone, BE that father. BE the good man. Stick around and give that child a chance at a normal life.
This Father's Day, I will be celebrating the Dad who didn't walk away when it would've been so easy to do so. The Dad who didn't know me at all and took the time to get to know me and love me more in a year than my dad or father did in 26 years. The one who knows my secrets, my fears, my faults and still sticks around. This is the man I choose to be my father. For the first time in my life, I don't feel so worthless and it's definitely because of his love.

Falling Hard and Fast

Yesterday I was looking at a picture and all of a sudden I was filled with a weird feeling. This feeling was something I had never felt before. My whole body felt as though it were being warmed from my heart. My heart started beating faster and my head swarmed with thoughts of the person I was looking at in the picture. My mouth was forced into a smile and I couldn't stop any of this. Now, I've been in love before (or thought I had) and it was the slow, safe, "you've been around forever" love that comes with time. So this was weird to me, I couldn't understand what it was that was causing me to feel this way. Then I realized, it was most definitely the seeds of love planting in my heart. I am most definitely falling in love, head first and I'm not sure if I'm prepared for it. But I'm willing to ride the ride and allow my heart to open to vulnerability. I will still be cautious and keep my eyes and ears open as this roller coaster speeds along, but I will take my foot off the brakes and take my clenched hands off the safety bar.
I just pray that this person I am falling for doesn't take my heart for granted. I hope that they understand that my heart is fragile and has been shattered many times. It's been stomped on, beaten up, crushed, and absolutely mutilated. I've had to nurse it back to life and even used a little duct tape once. I think they'll take good care of it though, they seem to have a bit of duct tape as well.
Ok, here I go...brakes are releasing and hands are loosening...

Judgement

Should we care what others think about us? Is it relevant? If we have enough self confidence then it shouldn't matter how others see us, right?

A couple of months back, my ex posted a status on Facebook regarding me and everyone obviously knew who it was about. I had heard about it (being exes, we weren't Facebook friends anymore) and got the gist of what it was about, but didn't actually see it. I chastised him for being childish and asked him not to mention me again, since we worked together and have coworkers on our pages. Well, I forgot about it until a mutual friend left their Facebook up one day and me being the nosy little Facebook stalker I am, decided to creep. I saw the status again through another ex mutual friends page and proceeded to read what people really thought about me. It was disturbing because some of these people I actually had considered my friends. The rest of the people who said disparaging remarks...they can lick my foot, it didn't phase me. It got me thinking about the persona that I give off to people who don't know me. Some of the remarks called me "fake" and "overly friendly". I tend to take the overly friendly as a compliment because I AM a friendly person. Although the fake bothered me A LOT. I try to show that I'm genuine, because I am. I never thought that anyone would see me as fake. That stayed in my mind, but didn't change me too much. The comments just made me realize I needed to pick my "friends" better, those people were deleted from my life and things moved on.
Then I had a conversation with someone last night that stirred it all back up for me. I was told I was passive-aggressive and that I gave back handed compliments. My heart stopped when someone I cared about told me this about myself, that this is what they see in me. All of a sudden, everything I ever knew about who I was came crashing down around me. I thought I was a good, genuine person with a big heart and a sarcastic sense of humor. I'm blatantly honest, to the point, and I'm one hundred percent an open book. How could anyone say that I was passive aggressive? Being the inquiring mind that I am, I googled it to make sure that it didn't describe me. Unfortunately, I DO have passive aggressive tendencies such as procrastination and a fear of dependency. Yet, I was relieved in finding out that it does not describe me completely. And yes, I give back handed compliments, it's part of my sarcastic nature. I tease, I taunt, it's who I am. And some people like it, at least I thought they did.
I realize that everyone doesn't have to like me because Lord knows, I certainly don't like everyone that I meet. I learned that back in kindergarten when cliques started forming on the playground. I also realize that I am a little bit of an acquired taste, I grow on people over time. I am different, some might say weird, and I don't take life seriously. I find things funny that most people just find troubling and I laugh at myself constantly. Still, I like the majority of people I come across and I tend to have an easy time making new friends, or so I thought. So I don't want to push people away by acting, subconsciously, in a manner that people don't care for.
Yes, I have issues, but doesn't everyone? I don't have the highest self esteem, but I'm working on it and I've come a long way in the past few years. I procrastinate like a mo-fo (do mo-fos even procrastinate? I'm not sure but it sounded good) but I'm trying to learn how to give myself deadlines and stick to them. I'm late for EVERYTHING (even my womanly time of the month!) but I've started being on time, or at least within five minutes for almost everything lately. I realize also that sometimes the words I say can hurt people, even if I think I'm being funny, and I've started working on that as well.
No one is perfect, every single one of us has to work on things. Yet, the problem with society these days is that all of us get a trophy. We all think we are invincible and number one and nothing is wrong with us. No one takes the time to say, hey, you really need to work on THIS or THAT personality trait isn't so attractive. I appreciate learning what people think about me so that I can fix what's bad and stroke the good to perfection. I encourage people to tell me what they don't care for and if I think it's something about me that needs changing, I will work to improve that part of myself. I can only get better. That's all any of us can do.
Let's just start being honest with each other and stop sugar coating things. If I offend you, tell me right away so I know what exactly was offensive. If I come off as "fake" or "disingenuous", PLEASE say something because that is one of the worst things I could possibly think of being accused of. And finally, take a step back, breathe a deep breath and realize that I'm an amazing person who just so happens to have a few faults. Don't expect me to be perfect because you will be sorely disappointed.

Colevin the Cuddlebug

With big brown eyes and a smile that would make even the hardest heart melt, my son is my rock. He is the sweetest, funniest, smartest kid I have ever known. Every single day he amazes me even more than he did the day before. When mommy is having a bad day, I just need to go to him and he cuddles up to me and makes the world right again.

Lately, my son has been throwing huge tantrums. Bigger than any I have ever seen and I have tried everything. When I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. Time outs, taking toys away, being put in another room, holding him tightly so he doesn't hurt himself or anyone else, talking to him, etc. These tantrums try my patience. His sister never threw these kinds of fits. She tried once, then I ignored her and she didn't try it again. Colevin, he's a whole other story. He is a tank, he is huge and he uses his strength and body weight to throw himself into walls, into me, into his sister. He will scream for HOURS, literally HOURS without a care in the world. I've gotten to the point where I just have to ignore him and listen until I get a headache and eventually, he calms down and wants to be a good boy.
He isn't always a little terror, in fact most of the time he is the sweetest little boy you'll ever meet. He loves hugging his sister and all the little girls at daycare. In fact, he seems to have quite a following amongst the daycare girls. He definitely has a way with the ladies. I think it is because he understands us so well. He has painted his nails, watched mommy put on makeup and asked for his own, worn his sister's dress shoes, and played with baby dolls. I believe he does this so he can understand a woman's suffering and be sympathetic to our causes. Or he's just super feminine and either way, I love him to pieces.
One of my favorite things about my son, other than his amazing curls, is that he compliments me more than any other man ever has. He tells everyone and anyone that his mama is a "hot mama". Then he proceeds to describe himself as "hot Colevin". He also runs his hands through my hair and tells me I'm pretty as I'm getting ready in the morning. I don't have to look far for a compliment when I'm feeling down. All I have to do is be around him and he will inevitably say something positive about me. Isn't that what boys are for?
If I ever need cheering up or I'm feeling like I need some love, I say, Colevin, can I have a kiss? He runs up to me, arms open wide and he gives me a breath stealing hug. Then, his tiny hands grab the sides of my face and pull my lips toward his. Most of the time, I get a "tiny kiss", which is just a peck to say, I love you mom. But sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get a "BIG kiss". These kisses last anywhere from 10 seconds to a minute and have a grand finale of pulling away and yelling "MUAH!". These are what make it all worth it. Every hair pulling tantrum, every fight with his sister, every defense of his masculinity, every day. When I get these "BIG kisses", oh boy, I know I did something right.