What Makes a Father?

Father's Day, a day to celebrate fathers. What happens when you really don't have one? Or what if you have many and you aren't sure which one deserves to be celebrated? When I was young, it was easy, my father was my dad. I got him a card and perhaps a little gift that I made and that was that. Now, it's not so simple. The question goes back to who do I celebrate? Is it the dad who raised me, beat me, and disowned me when I had (in his words) "n*gger children"? Is it the biological father who I've never met but came into my life at 23 years old and is asking for a relationship? Or is it the man who met me only a year ago and loves me like a daughter and my children like grandchildren, who's been there for me this past year unlike anyone else? Could it be all three?
Starting with my dad, no matter how much I try to forget, the man who raised me will always be my dad. He's the one who took me camping, taught me how to drive, and was there for me when I started my period for the first time. He is also the one who spanked me with his belt buckle, broke my glasses against my face, and threw me against the fireplace. He is the one who stopped talking to me when he found out I had children who were a quarter black and proceeded to tell me that he wouldn't have "n words" in his family. I stopped trying to speak to him after that. I still hear bits and pieces from my family about how much he hates me, how disappointed in how I turned out he is, and how my life is pretty much a big ol failure in his eyes. Someone told me I should send him a card at least, but I haven't even gotten birthday cards from him in years, why would he deserve a father's day card? I was legally adopted, bear his name, but because I'm not blood, I'm easily forgotten.
Now, my biological father, who I call my father to not mistake the two, is a stranger to me. I couldn't pick him out in a lineup if it was to save my life. I'm sure we have enough features in common that I could make an educated guess, but I'm not holding my breath. This is the man who gave me life. I wouldn't be here without him, but other than that, he's nothing to me. I wish that wasn't the case. I wish he had been around, that I had gotten to know him, and perhaps I will before he leaves this earth. I've heard various stories as to why he wasn't there for me and it's difficult to determine the truth. All I know is that I felt abandoned at 12 years old when I found out that my life wasn't what I thought it was. When I learned that my dad wasn't my biological father, I spent my teenage and early adult years wondering why my biological father didn't want me. Why did he leave me? Why was I that easy to walk away from?
And this brings me to the closest thing to a father figure that I have now. I accidentally drunk dialed the man who gives me hope that there are good fathers out there. He and his wife have taken me in and loved me like their own. He has helped me through life and love in the year that I've known him and helped me to realize that perhaps maybe I'm not worthless. I'm still weary because, as you can see, I have horrible experience with men in my life actually sticking around. But my Alaskan dad is truly an angel from heaven. He is there when I need him, giving me faith in men again.
In looking back at my life, it's no wonder I have abandonment issues and issues with men. No man has ever stuck around, even the ones who are supposed to. I wish I could express the pain, rejection, and worthlessness that I've felt in the past 26 years. There is no way I could ever even begin to describe the feelings that a young child has when they find out that their own blood didn't want them (even if that wasn't the case, it's how I felt and what I was told). For a young mother to have the only dad she ever knew disown her because of the race of her children when her entire life he called her a failure, I can't explain how that hurts.
I started writing this because I have seen a lot of pain that angers me. I am a messed up child with so many issues that I believe falls on the fact that I don't have a steady male figure in my life. So when I see women who have amazing men who WANT to be fathers and WANT to be in their children's lives, and these women choose to cut the man out because they are selfish, that sparks a fire inside of me. I don't think they realize that a good man, a good father, is extremely rare. A man who actually steps up and wants to take responsibility for his actions, I applaud them. I wish that mothers could see that we have to do what is in the best interest of our children. Yes, if a man is abusive, fight to have him stay away from your child. But if a man is a good man and a good father, for god's sake, don't let that kid turn into me. Don't allow that child to feel worthless. And men, step up. If you have a child with someone, BE that father. BE the good man. Stick around and give that child a chance at a normal life.
This Father's Day, I will be celebrating the Dad who didn't walk away when it would've been so easy to do so. The Dad who didn't know me at all and took the time to get to know me and love me more in a year than my dad or father did in 26 years. The one who knows my secrets, my fears, my faults and still sticks around. This is the man I choose to be my father. For the first time in my life, I don't feel so worthless and it's definitely because of his love.