Here, there, and everywhere in between

I'm baaaack!! I haven't been blogging in awhile and I have so much to say that I don't even know where to start! Let me start by saying that the reason I dropped off the face of the earth (or at least the blogosphere) is because I was pregnant and gave birth to a gorgeous little girl named Sophia. It's been extremely busy and hard being a single mom to three kids, one being a newborn. You will never know until you do it. I have friends who are stay at home moms or who have husbands who work out of town and they like to say they understand, but it's not the same. Yes, I feel for these moms because being any kind of mom is the hardest job you'll ever have. Yet, when I was pregnant, I came home to an empty house, no one greeted me or asked how my day was. No one cuddled me and felt baby move. I had no one to clean up the bathroom after I got nauseous and puked everywhere. I even had to teach my older children how to make their own food because I couldn't be near it without getting sick. I didn't have a partner's support and it sucked. I did have my girlfriends though. They were my salvation. When I needed to vent, if they weren't busy, they listened. When I went into labor, they were there with gloves on. Once Sophia was born, she lit up my life and everyone who met her. She has a beautiful spirit and gorgeous smile. She has so many adopted aunties and uncles that I can't even count them all. Like I said, she's very well loved. When she was about a month old, I got up the courage to tell her biological dad that he had a daughter. It scared me to death, but he fell head over heels in love with her too. Having my last baby made me think a lot. I'm not happy. Believe me, I have three beautiful children, amazing friends, and a great job. I'm content, but not HAPPY. I just got done visiting Sophia's daddy and his family. For the first time in a long time, I felt HAPPY. I also visited with my sister and I was HAPPY. Yes, life isn't peaches and cream and my close friends know I had some issues during my vacation where I wasn't so happy, but for the most part, I was. I got to see my sister and my nephew with my baby girl. I got to see the man I love hold his baby girl and never want to let go. I got to see my daughter have a whole family of flesh and blood who couldn't bear to see her leave. I realized what I've been missing...family, a partner, love. As much as friends try to be family, it's hard because most of my friends are married or dating with their own families. My older babies have their father's family. I honestly don't know where this post is going or what I was trying to say. My thoughts just poured out and I know now what I have to do. I need to follow my heart and take a leap of faith. Wish me luck and I will actually have a thought out post next time!