Destiny, Soul Mates, and all that Nonsense

How do you know if someone is worth it? How do you know if you are supposed to be with someone or not? Is it the way they look at you? The way they make you feel? The touch of their hand against your skin? The way the silence can become so comfortable that neither of you need to say a thing?
I'm having a really hard time with this because I am just now accepting the fact that I don't believe in soul mates, destiny, or fate. I used to think that everything happened for a reason. Things fell apart so that other things could fall together. One door closed so another door could open. All these cliche attempts at trying to explain away the fact that my life didn't turn out the way I expected. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. My life is full of amazing people and experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world. Yet, there's something missing. When I get off work, I come home to an empty house. I sleep alone, I wake up alone, and I eat alone. When I have good news, I call my best friend and she and I squeal and talk and then I'm alone in my thoughts again.
I used to believe that there was someone for everyone. That someday I would wake up and meet my soul mate, the person whom I was destined to be with for the rest of my life. I thought that fate would make sure that the decisions we made would lead us to each other. Maybe I decided to move jobs and the person who delivered the mail would end up being my forever. I believed in "magic" because so many people out there had found that perfect person, so I was destined to as well, right?
Wrong. If that was the case, no one would die alone, unloved. Everyone would be happy with someone that MADE them happy. There is no such thing as soul mates, destiny, or fate. Yes, some people get lucky and find someone amazing to share their life with. But for the most part, people settle. We decide that we're happy enough. Things are good enough. We deal with it.
I don't want to settle. I may not have a destined mate out there for me, but I refuse to settle for less than I deserve. When I'm with someone, I want to feel like I am the only girl in the world, the only woman they have ever wanted. I want to feel as though I am amazingly beautiful, despite my flaws. I want to feel intelligent, hilarious, and unbelievably good in bed. I want them to WANT to spend time with me, to be their top priority, or at least somewhere near the top. I don't want to have to beg for them to hang out with me. I want to feel important, cared about, and cared for. I want my thoughts, opinions, and feelings to be taken into account when they are making big decisions. I want them to accept me as a person and never ask me to change even the slightest thing about ME. The more I think about it, the more I have answered my own question. How do I know? Well, if I don't feel all those things then they aren't worth it. And honestly, I haven't felt that in a long, long time.

Beauty Isn't About Being Skinny

I was fourteen years old. I was by no means fat, but I definitely had a few extra pounds I could afford to shed. My friends and I loved reading the tween magazines and watching music videos on MTV (back then they actually played videos!). For some reason, I looked at those stars and wanted to be like them. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera had flat stomachs and skinny legs. All the guys thought they were gorgeous, so of course, I wanted a flat stomach and skinny legs too.

I've always had curves, even as an early teen. My stomach has never been flat, even when I was a size zero. My family has a tummy pooch gene because all of us girls have it. That being said, no matter how hard I tried to lose it, I couldn't. I tried working out, I was on the track team and running everyday, nothing worked. I couldn't shrink my big ol thighs or my little pooch at all.
That's when I decided I needed to do more. I needed to take control of how I looked because when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see beautiful. I saw fat. I saw a girl who could never be loved how she was because who could love someone with such disgusting flaws? That's when I stopped eating.
I never felt more in control of my body then when I stopped eating. The hunger pains I felt only confirmed that I was doing the right thing. No one noticed and truly, I don't think anyone cared enough to pay attention. I started looking better in my clothes, I felt better because I looked better. Everything was falling into place.
It wasn't until my boyfriend at the time said something about me not eating that I changed things. I didn't have a "problem". I was perfectly fine. I didn't want to admit to anyone that anything was wrong and the fact that someone had taken notice, I couldn't have that happen. And so I slowly began eating again.
Ever since then, I've had major issues with my body. I've never been happy with how I look and I am continually trying to better myself. I was finally feeling comfortable in my own skin when I got pregnant with my daughter. Trying to get the weight off after I had her felt impossible. I was finally making leeway when oops, I got pregnant again with my son. Even if I didn't already have body issues, having two pregnancies in two years would have definitely created some. Things fell, stretch marks abounded, areas widened. My body was a horrible disfigurement that wasn't fit to be seen by even me. After two years of working hard, I am finally within 10-15 pounds (depending on the day) of my pre baby weight. I feel a little more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever felt before. I feel beautiful naked and will even allow others to see me naked and still feel beautiful.

The problem is, that fourteen year old still pokes her head out sometimes and tells me I'm fat, ugly, disfigured. She judges me when I stand in front of the mirror and tells me all the things that are wrong with me. She compares me to my skinny, toothpick friends and tells me how I'm the "fat" friend. She tells me not to eat that burger or not enjoy that yummy piece of cake at the end of a meal. She's mean to me and the fact is, I listen to her.
I'm a mature woman with two children. I'm not a toothpick. I'll never have a flat stomach. I'll always have thick thighs and a big ol booty. I'll always have my hourglass shape with love handles and stretch marks. My breasts are pancakes which have given nourishment to my children. My stomach isn't smooth because it was their home for a total of 20 months. I have scars, cellulite and curves for days.
My girlfriends may be skinny and that is beautiful for them, but I am just as beautiful. Every time fourteen year old Nicole comes out, I try to shove her back in by explaining to her that beauty isn't just being tiny. Beauty is about loving yourself and working with what you have. I may not have a flat stomach, but I do have a nice behind. I may not have big perky breasts, but mine are pretty amazing. I may not have skinny legs, but I've got some meaty thighs and calves of steel.
Sometimes it works, most times it doesn't. But I am trying really hard to work on my confidence.
I notice my daughter looking at me as I try on clothes and I have to bite my tongue when it comes to disparaging words about myself. I refuse to allow her to go through what I went through. I will do everything in my power to teach her that beauty isn't celebrities or pop idols. But first, I need to show her by loving myself as I am. Accepting that I am NOT my friends, that it is a little harder for me to keep weight off and I need to work with that. I have faith that twenty six year old Nicole can smack some sense into fourteen year old Nicole.

I'm fired up!!

It's time. I tried putting it off as long as I could, but I have to do a political post.
It was only just a few years ago when it started. I would read a story in the newspaper, run across an article on the web, or see something scroll across CNN, that would leap out and make me angry. It happened every once in awhile and I would debate about it with my friends and then the news would taper off on reporting about it and life would continue the same as it always had been. Nothing affected my life. My life didn't change because someone was voting against gay marriage. My rights were still intact if someone voted down abortion rights in another state. Did it upset me? Of course. But did it affect my life personally? No. Things went on the same, nothing really changed. That has all changed. The stories that are in the paper now are affecting me personally. The things that are going on in the rest of the country are affecting me personally. My life is being affected and I'm fired up. I am itching to get involved, to make people realize that the things they are doing are affecting people like me.
I used to work for our local electric utility. I was a non union employee, but all our journeyman were union and I didn't understand unions at all. All I knew was that my parents didn't like them. They had told me to refuse to join a union if I was ever asked to by my employer because they were bad for business. I let it go in one ear and out the other because frankly, I didn't care at the time. I remember our first annual meeting where we held an election for the utility's board seats. My fellow employees were ecstatic about certain people being elected because they were "pro union". I didn't really understand what that was about because in my mind I thought, "Who wouldn't be on the employee's side of the company that you represent?". That election and the little knowledge I gained about being "pro union" and "anti union" was my first real dose of "some people suck". I still don't really understand why people don't appreciate workers, but I have a better understanding of the "suck" syndrome.
After I left that company, I moved on and became a public employee for our local government. I accepted to join the union and honestly, didn't really think about it after I signed my initial employment forms. The union was like a huge umbrella, like the atmosphere. You don't notice it from day to day unless there's a problem, like the hole in the ozone. But even then, after the media stories trail off, you forget about the problem and move about your life. I had been at my job for about a year when I was approached to be our department's union representative. They tricked me into it by praising me and saying they wanted "new, young blood" and I got a trip away from home for training. They knew how to work me and got me involved. From that day forward, I have been getting increasingly more involved and the more involved and informed I get, the more I want to fight. I get so angry and fed up with the blatant lies, misrepresentation of facts, and straight up stupidity that is out there.
Lately there has been talk about cutting our staff at my job. There has been rumors that with the horrible economy, workers will need to go. It's sad because I'm young, with a career ahead of me. I wanted this to be my home, my life career. I didn't want to work anywhere else. But the anxiety I felt for the last two months, the constant worry and stress that has been eating away at me, it doesn't make me want to stay. I felt more security in my job in the private sector, AND I made more money.
That's another lie that I just need to straighten out here for anyone who knows me and understands what I'm talking about. The news stories are all talking about how public employees make loads of money, how we are overpaid. To the people who say that, I want you to come live my life for a month. Come see how I struggle to be a single mother with two young kids on my salary. I went to school, I have an education and job experience, yet I make less at my job than friends of mine who haven't gone to college. I barely get by, at times having to work a second job to be able to pay the necessities. By the federal and state government's standards, I am considered "low income". I qualify for state aid, low income housing, WIC, and many other government programs, some of which I wouldn't be able to survive without. Even with my "cadillac plan" health insurance, I can't even afford to go to the doctor because of the deductible.
I am by no means knowledgeable about every issue that comes up, and I don't claim to be. What I do know are the things that are affecting me and HOW they affect me. I know my personal experiences and decisions and what they have led to. I don't understand how anyone could ever think that taking away someone's livelihood could ever be considered a good thing. Or better yet, taking away someone's rights.
The fact that my rights, my job, my health care could all disappear in a matter of seconds scares me enough to make me want to take a stand. From this point forward, I will stand for what I believe is right (and be loud as hell about it), even if I'm left standing alone.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I've had writer's block for quite awhile and haven't been able to get passed it. I've tried, but lately the only thing I am truly passionate about (and I write best when I'm truly passionate about something) is politics. I don't think I'm quite ready to delve into political writing yet, just because I need to make sure I don't say everything that I feel. If I did that, oh my, let's just say, most people I know wouldn't be very happy with me. So I decided that instead I would share with everyone some of the gems that my kids come up with. I think to myself quite a bit, where the heck did that come from? when talking to my children. They make me laugh, make me think, and make me keep some of my innocence.

Colevin (pulling on his manhood like he's going to rip it off): "Cut off my penis Mommy, I want a mooch like you." (that's what we call it, mooch.)

Kynedi (kissing my belly): "Good night sissy." (I am NOT pregnant either)

Kynedi : "I want a baby sister Mom." "Why?" "Cause I've never had one before."

Kynedi (a little background on this one, her dad lost a baby ten years ago, so on his birthday every year they let off balloons to remember. I asked her if they were going to have cake, trying to keep it lighthearted) : "Mom, my brother is dead. He can't eat cake. Thought you knew that."

Colevin : "I love you most Mommy."
Kynedi : "Oh really, Colevin? You told Daddy you loved him most this morning. So who are you lying to, huh? Mom or Dad?"

Kynedi (after rearranging every doll she has to lay in a straight line across my bed so that I barely have room to fit): "Mom, don't squish my brothers and sisters, they like to sleep with me." "Honey, can't they sleep down the length of the bed? I don't have room." (looks at me with disgust) "They want to sleep by me Mom...You can sleep on the floor."

Colevin (after being asked what his favorite movie is): "Ass."
My friends : "What are you letting him watch?!?!?"
Me : "He meant Alice...in Wonderland."

Kynedi (after finding tiny little shells in the backyard) "If you put them up to your ear Mom, you can hear the ocean." (puts it up to her ear) "Ok, maybe not really. But I can hear it a little bit."

Kynedi : "Mommy, why don't you have eyes like me, Colevin, and Daddy? You need to change your eyes to look like ours."

And my favorite of all.

Kynedi : "Shhh Mommy, I love you the most, but don't tell Daddy because I tell him I love him the most. But I really don't. I love you the most." "Sure, it'll be our little secret." :)

That's all for now. Enjoy my crazy kids.

The day I became a mother

I fell in love with you long before I held you, long before I even felt you kick. I fell in love with you the moment I realized that you were going to exist someday. When I found out I was pregnant with you, my world turned upside down. I was so young and was far from being ready to be a mother. I wanted you to have everything. I wanted to be able to give you everything. I was still in college, working part time at the credit union. I was in no position to be a mother. I weighed all the choices and thought, I can't give this baby what it deserves. So I made an appointment to take care of things. I walked in the doctor's office that day with a heavy heart. They did an ultrasound, checked how far along I was, and told me to come back the following week and we'd get things done. I walked to my car afterward, confused by the emotions I was feeling. I thought I knew what I had to do. I thought I had made a decision that I was comfortable with. A decision that I knew the consequences of. As soon as I sat in my seat and closed the car door, the tears that I was holding back flowed. I couldn't stop them, and I wouldn't have even tried. I held my stomach so tight that you probably felt it. I was seven weeks along, with the worst morning sickness ever. I had lost 12 pounds, my clothes were falling off me, and I couldn't keep anything but water down. I was absolutely miserable, and yet, I felt you. I can't explain it, but it's as though your heart spoke to mine saying, I want you to be my mom, please give me a chance. How could I argue with that? How could I say no? How could I take this baby's chance away?
I went home that day and never looked back. My mind never once wavered, I wanted you with all my heart. I've never wanted anything else in the world more than I wanted to be able to hold you, kiss you, wipe your tears. You have given my life purpose. There have been times when I have wanted to tear my hair out. I have cried, screamed, thrown things. Yet, I would never regret the decision we (you and I) made to keep you. It breaks my heart to know that I was so close to actively choosing to lose the person who makes my life complete.
It's funny, people always told me that I would fall in love with you the minute I held you, but I already loved you so much. I didn't fall in love with you when you were born, I fell in love with you that moment in my car when I held you at 7 weeks along. That moment when our hearts touched, that was the moment I fell. When the nurse first laid you in my arms, I waited for the overwhelming "new" love to take hold of me. It didn't though, because it was already there. What did happen, instead, was our hearts had another conversation, thanking each other for sticking things out even when hope was low. To this day, I still feel your heart talking to mine, reassuring me that we are going to make it through whatever comes our way. We've been through so much in your short five years that I can't imagine what else will be thrown at us. No matter what happens, I will be there for you, right by your side. I will fight for you, live for you, and die for you.
Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for giving ME a chance. Thank you for giving me the love and strength that I need to be the kind of mother that you deserve. I truly believe that you are my angel.

What No One Knows

I have become a fan of Stumble Upon. If you don't know what it is, it's basically a website in which you sign up and "stumble" across different web pages in different categories. You can "like" pages and your friends can follow you and see what pages you found interesting. It really is a great way to stumble upon (pun intended) new and different things. I came across one page that was actually quite interesting to me. It had a list of 62 power questions to ask in order to reconnect with yourself. I've been feeling pretty bummed out lately and couldn't think of a blog post idea. Since I want to write one everyday, it seemed like a good idea to answer one of the questions each day.

What is that thing that no one, not even your partner, your mother or your best friend, knows about you?

This one made me laugh a little before I seriously thought about it because I'm an open book. Everyone who knows me pretty much knows everything about me, especially the people closest to me. Then I dug deeper and decided to really think about what people don't know. That was the hard part. People know my past, my thoughts, and most of my opinions. What people don't know, are my fears and my dreams.
If I had to choose one thing that nobody knows about me, which now everyone will know about me, is that I'm deathly afraid. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now that scare the crud out of me. I like to have control of my life, I enjoy being knowledgable about what is happening to me and when I don't have the power to change something, I freak out.
What has me extremely afraid at the moment is that I won't be around to see my children grow up. I look at them and I see all my hopes and dreams. I want to be there to tell my daughter about boys and how they really don't have cooties. I want to watch my son play football and score a touchdown. I want to be around for their weddings and the birth of my grandchildren. A year ago, I would have said no doubt will I be there for all of this. I will be around forever.
A couple of months ago, I finally went to the doctor after not going since I had my son. I've had issues since he was little and had numerous ultrasounds, a CAT scan, and multiple doctors' visits in the months after his birth. They couldn't place the pain I was having and when they found abnormal things, I couldn't go to a specialist because at the time, my insurance was about over. I didn't have insurance for awhile after that and just never took the time to go to the doctor. A few months ago, I finally decided to go to the doctor for a regular checkup and they found things that shouldn't be in my body. I brushed the warnings off and recently have come to the grips that something isn't right. The doctors are talking cancer, I'm not listening. If I don't listen, it'll go away right? My body won't be attacking itself and I'll be there for my kids forever. I'm scared to death of dying or being in as much pain as I am in now for the rest of my life.
This is what no one knows, I am afraid of what the future holds for me and that my dreams won't have the opportunity to develop into fruition.