What No One Knows

I have become a fan of Stumble Upon. If you don't know what it is, it's basically a website in which you sign up and "stumble" across different web pages in different categories. You can "like" pages and your friends can follow you and see what pages you found interesting. It really is a great way to stumble upon (pun intended) new and different things. I came across one page that was actually quite interesting to me. It had a list of 62 power questions to ask in order to reconnect with yourself. I've been feeling pretty bummed out lately and couldn't think of a blog post idea. Since I want to write one everyday, it seemed like a good idea to answer one of the questions each day.

What is that thing that no one, not even your partner, your mother or your best friend, knows about you?

This one made me laugh a little before I seriously thought about it because I'm an open book. Everyone who knows me pretty much knows everything about me, especially the people closest to me. Then I dug deeper and decided to really think about what people don't know. That was the hard part. People know my past, my thoughts, and most of my opinions. What people don't know, are my fears and my dreams.
If I had to choose one thing that nobody knows about me, which now everyone will know about me, is that I'm deathly afraid. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now that scare the crud out of me. I like to have control of my life, I enjoy being knowledgable about what is happening to me and when I don't have the power to change something, I freak out.
What has me extremely afraid at the moment is that I won't be around to see my children grow up. I look at them and I see all my hopes and dreams. I want to be there to tell my daughter about boys and how they really don't have cooties. I want to watch my son play football and score a touchdown. I want to be around for their weddings and the birth of my grandchildren. A year ago, I would have said no doubt will I be there for all of this. I will be around forever.
A couple of months ago, I finally went to the doctor after not going since I had my son. I've had issues since he was little and had numerous ultrasounds, a CAT scan, and multiple doctors' visits in the months after his birth. They couldn't place the pain I was having and when they found abnormal things, I couldn't go to a specialist because at the time, my insurance was about over. I didn't have insurance for awhile after that and just never took the time to go to the doctor. A few months ago, I finally decided to go to the doctor for a regular checkup and they found things that shouldn't be in my body. I brushed the warnings off and recently have come to the grips that something isn't right. The doctors are talking cancer, I'm not listening. If I don't listen, it'll go away right? My body won't be attacking itself and I'll be there for my kids forever. I'm scared to death of dying or being in as much pain as I am in now for the rest of my life.
This is what no one knows, I am afraid of what the future holds for me and that my dreams won't have the opportunity to develop into fruition.