High Quality People equals a High Quality Life.

I've been seeing a lot of people talk about not being able to trust others and not needing other people in their lives lately. It makes me sad and I feel as though I need to share what I have learned in the past few years thanks mainly in part to a close friend from high school. I haven't had an easy time and the relationships that I've had have definitely given me reason to crawl into a hole never to return to human contact. I've been cheated on, lied to, physically/emotionally/mentally abused, and countless other things. If anything, I should never want to be around people again, for the rest of my life.
Then I was given some advice that I try to live my life by. ""If the guy that is talking to you doesn't have the life you want, his opinion doesn't matter". Basically, what I have come to learn is that you have to surround yourself with high quality people in order to achieve success in both life and your relationships. If you want to have a successful career, seek out people who already have one. If you want a happy, long lasting marriage, seek out people who have already done it. If you want happy, healthy children, seek out people who have them. Don't surround yourself with people who bring you down to their level. Surround yourself with people who build you up.
When you are in a situation where someone hurts you, sometimes you'll make a general opinion regarding all people of that sex, race, etc. Then, in order to continue believing this stereotype that you've concocted, you decided to seek out people who fit that stereotype in order to prove you are right. For example, I have a friend who was cheated on and lied to by an ex. He says that all women are untrustworthy and dishonest. When he met me, I was as honest with him as I could be, I was straight-forward about my past and explained everything I'd been through and done. I've been honest with him since. He couldn't deal with that because I didn't fit his self-fulfilled prophecy of "women are not to be trusted". But then I see the women that he continues to surround himself with and they are definitely "not to be trusted". As far as I know, they have slept with most of my friends (at the same time) and are definitely NOT high quality women. By seeking out these women, my friend is fulfilling his stereotype, therefore proving himself right.
High quality people lead to high quality relationships. I have had to cut many a person from my life because they were not high quality people who had something to offer to the relationship. I have friends that are merely acquaintances, people that I will go for a drink with once in awhile, but never anything more. But then there are people that I respect and look up to, people who are good to their friends, family, have successful careers, etc.
All I am asking is that everyone takes a moment to really reflect on their relationships with people and their lives. If you feel that everyone always lets you down and you can't trust the people in your life, look at the people around you. Are they high quality people? Do they care enough about their own lives that they are secure, successful, and happy? If not, it will be hard, but you may need to weed out some friends and sometimes even family.

Healthy?

So I have a thought that I'd like to share because it both bothers and confuses me and perhaps someone can explain it to me. Now, I've never been married, but I've been in serious live-in relationships with children where we might as well have been married. I have a few married friends who have clearly expressed to me that they don't need/want anyone in their life other than their husbands. Which, in turn, makes me feel as though, why the hell are we even talking then? If you don't want me in your life, why am I a part of it?
I look at these relationships as unhealthy. I don't respect them and I sure as heck don't ever want one. Why would I want my world to revolve around one person? I've been there, done that, and lost who I was in the whole scheme of things. I lost friends and when I needed someone to lean on, I had no one. I don't ever want to have my significant other have a business trip, or a guy's night and be upset because I don't have friends of my own to occupy me or because I can't stand to be in my own company.
I was in a relationship once where my partner worked long hours. He started working two jobs and I had let myself get into a rut where I didn't hang out with anyone but him. While he was at work, I would either be at work, or sit at home waiting for him to get home. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I stopped going out and doing things. I lost my own life that I had before we got together.
People might tell me that I haven't met the right person yet. They might say that when I find someone who is my soul mate, then I'll understand. I don't think that's the case. I think I've been in plenty of unhealthy relationships and I realize that it's healthy to have your own friends outside of a relationship. It's not healthy to cling to someone and say, all I need is you and I don't need friends or a life of my own outside of our relationship.
I asked an older, very happily married friend how she felt about this thought and she agreed with my thoughts. She said that if she didn't have her alone time, the time with her girlfriends, she wouldn't be who she is. Her husband has his fishing nights and weekend camping trips with his guy friends, she has her getaways with her girlfriends and standing dates with her girls. They have their own lives, but also do plenty of things together. They respect each other's "friend time" and this has led to a happy marriage of 20 years. I'd like a relationship like that. That's what I aim for. One where I DO need my friends in addition to my spouse and children. Friends can keep you sane and help to relieve some of your nags and complaints about your husband that you may not want to necessarily bring up to him. And I'm perfectly happy being single until I find someone with the same philosophy.

Infuriating Words

I've been thinking for awhile how to broach this subject and there's no easy or politically correct way for me to ease into it, so I'm just going to jump right in and say what I think.
As a mother of two mixed race children, racism is something that has not only ALWAYS bothered me, but that downright infuriates me after giving birth to them. To know that my beautiful, smart, kind babies may be judged due to the color of their skin or the coarseness of their hair is something that hurts down to the core of my soul.
Now, I'm not saying that I don't appreciate race jokes or culture jokes. If it's in good fun, it's fine by me. Stereotypes are there for a reason, enough people of one race or culture portrayed an image that it became a stereotype. When someone teases about stereotypes or jokes about them, I don't become offended. When the offensive names are pulled, THAT'S when I become offended. I should not be able to log onto Facebook and see the N word in a status. It's uncalled for and has such negative connotations associated with it that it makes my eyes red with fury.
When I was a little girl, I remember driving in the car with my parents. I don't know where it came from or why, but they told my sister and I that if we ever dated a black guy that we would be disowned. I blew it off then, I was only five years old, how was that going to affect my life of bubbles and dress up? Well, it affected my life at 14 when my first boyfriend came to my house and he was half black. My dad sat me down that night and told me I couldn't date him and that I was ruining my life because the "good white boys" are going to think I'm a "Nword lover" and not want to date me. I was so hurt that I went to my room and cried all night while writing in my journal. To be honest, I had never even noticed that my boyfriend was of a different color or race. I saw a cute, sweet, nice, funny guy who I had fun with. I didn't see a color or ethnicity.
In my mind, race is something that you can not help. It's something that you are born with. It's not your fault that you were born a certain color. I couldn't help but think that if my family was so superficial that the color of someone's skin would affect how they immediately thought of them, then what about someone who was born disabled, or with a big nose, or a deformity of some kind? Would they shun them as well or was it just a skin thing?
I understand that PEOPLE can be stereotypical and act like crappy PEOPLE, but that doesn't mean that every single person of a specific race is like the other. We are all different and we should embrace that diversity. Judging someone because of their color or their hair color or the size of their nose is ignorant and just shows me that I can't take your opinions seriously.
I had hope that racism was dead. That it was something that only the south dealt with and that even there, it wasn't too bad. I thought that as a society we had grown up and moved forward. Then, I had my children and the first black man ran for president. It was ridiculous how much I heard about his race and where he was from and what religion he might be. I thought politics was supposed to be about policy and principles and ideals, not all the other stuff people talked about. I worked for his campaign and in trying to talk with people, I was bombarded with more racist remarks than I had heard in my life, and I grew up with pretty racist people surrounding me. I've never heard the N word more than I have in the past few years that he has been in the White House. It sickens me. Don't like him because of his policies, what color he is shouldn't have anything to do with why you don't like him. And the "monkey" jokes that people like to forward about the first lady, are utterly disgraceful.
Right now I'm looking at a picture of my son. He looks too much like his daddy for his own good. He has gorgeous ringlet curls, a wide smushed nose, pillowy lips, tan skin, and deep brown eyes. I see a little boy with a huge caring heart, a sensitive soul, an intelligent inquiring brain, and a laugh that could make the crankiest old man crack a smile. Yet, I know that someday he will encounter ignorance and I can't protect him from that. I can't always be there as he grows up to thwart the mean hurtful people. My daughter has already been introduced to the fact that she is different. She came home from daycare and told me how one of her friends called her "brown" and asked why she wasn't like her. Then my inquisitive daughter looked at me and said, "Mom how come you aren't brown like daddy, me, and Colevin?" How do you even respond to that? How do I teach her how beautiful she is BECAUSE she's different? How do I make my children tough enough to not only withstand the normal teasing and bullying, but also the racism that their father had to endure in his life?