I have two little children, a four year old girl and a two year old boy. Their father and I split awhile ago due to various reasons and we still have a fairly decent relationship as far as split parents go. I am still a single mom, so when I have my kids, it’s just me. No man around to show my son how to throw a baseball or hammer a nail. I do all that stuff. At the same time, I’m a girl. I love makeup, painting nails, doing hair, dressing up and dancing to Lady Gaga. Which, is fine for my daughter (who has even told her father that he needs to buy a straightener, curling iron, and blow dryer for her hair, I’m so proud) but I guess not for my son.
I’ll start at the beginning. About a year ago, when my son was about 18 months old, he liked dressing in his sister’s clothes, i.e. wearing her panties, her dressy butterfly shoes, and dresses. Then he would watch me get ready in the morning and ask that I blow dry his hair too, which was beautiful curls at that time. I couldn’t say no, it was harmless. Well now, he steals my lip gloss, eyeliner, and mascara. I am constantly having to wipe makeup off his face and explain that it’s for big girls. I think he’s starting to get it.
I still have another issue which really bothers me. My kids both like their nails painted (God only knows why because I definitely don’t keep up with my nails at all). As little as two weeks ago, I would be painting my daughter’s nails and my son would come up and say, “me too!” I would paint his nails a MANLY color such as blue or green and everyone was happy. Well, just yesterday we were driving home and my daughter asked me to paint her nails when we got there. I of course said yes. Then my son piped up and said “Can’t paint my nails mommy, daddy get REAL mad.” It broke my heart.
Why do we do this to our kids? I honestly don’t care if my son wants to dance around in a dress at home with his nails painted, his hair done in barrettes with my lip gloss on his lips. If he’s happy, that’s all that matters to me. But we wonder why our children are bullied. Well, look at how we treat them. I’m trying to instill open mindedness, love, and happiness in my children but I can’t do that when their father is making them feel bad for who they are. I just pray that when he’s 16, he’ll come to me when he needs comfort and I’ll have the nail polish ready.
Ok my dear - First I must say youre a wonderful mother and you are doing very right by your kids. I dont want anyone who reads this to get the wrong impression with what Im going to say, I know you'll know Im only playing devil's advocate because its what I do.
ReplyDeleteYou bring up wondering why our children get bullied when 'we' (Im assuming as a society) judge them so. If your son grows up with a feminate nature, and is indeed bullied around, do you feel you would have done him a greater disservice by not teaching him the roles society expects of him than by teaching him to do as he pleases?
What I'm saying is that society as a whole needs to stop judging people. I was always a unique person and was myself. I never pretended to be anyone else. I'm not going to teach my children to pretend to be someone they're not. The only thing that bothers me is that his own father screams at him for him wanting to be who he is. Or exploring and trying to fit in with me and his sister. I think it's ironic that it's ok for girls to be tomboys but it's not ok for boys to be feminine.
ReplyDeleteA double standard indeed but Id say the opposite is more true in today's society. Today's America is much more accepting of the metrosexual male than the tomboy female. Unless of course that tomboy woman happens to be a size 0 and likes working on her truck in booty shorts and a ripped tank top.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are, of course, right - his father should not be making him feel the way he does. Even at two that will have lasting effects on your son. The only flaw I see in your logic is you cant change the way society will judge those that are different from the masses. Its one of the poorer traits of the human race.
There are sooo many things I can say on this topic; societal ideals about gender roles is something I'm truly passionate about. I can literally write a book on the subject because I have such strong opinions about this. I don't even know where to begin! First of all, I completely respect and understand where Jessica is coming from. However, in my opinion, you are doing your child a disservice if you are trying to "mold" them to fit into the gender role society expects of them. Teaching them that they can be whoever they want to be is really what's important. You should tell them: "this is what society expects of you, but don't feel like you have to fit in with societal ideals. Be your own person. You are a unique individual, there is no one else in this world like you, and you should honor your own individuality by never feeling like you have to compromise who you are in order to 'fit in'". I don't believe it's a parent's job to try and shield your child from getting hurt - really, this is impossible to do. Your child will inevitably get their feelings hurt by the bullies at school or in some other avenue of life. We've all had to deal with suffering at some point, and it ultimately makes us stronger people. What's important is to let your child know that they have your full and unwavering love and support and that nothing they say or do can change that. You can't stop the bullying from happening, but you can be there to comfort them when it does happen. Another thing I'd like to point out is that at two years old, your son is so innocent that he hasn't been tainted by society's lens of what is "feminine" and "masculine"; he sees the fun things his mommy and sister does, and simply wants to be included in the good time. Of course it is not at all indicative of his sexuality, and it is quite a shame that his father doesn't realize this. In response to Jessica's comment that you can't change the way society will judge those that are different from the masses, that is true, but it's better to dare to be different and risk being judged than compromise who you are just to conform. In my opinion, it is good to be different. And there will always be people who judge you - but like Dr. Seuss says, "Be who you are and say what you think, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind."
ReplyDeleteI'd rather mold my child to be his own person than succomb to society's perception of "normal".
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