What is Love? ("baby don't hurt me..." Sorry, I started singing)

A debate was sparked today between my best friend and me regarding love. Maybe it wasn’t so much a “debate” but a disagreement. She has never understood or accepted my idea of love and I don’t expect her to. I decided to try to explain my thoughts and feelings in hopes that perhaps she and others might be able to “get” how I feel about the subject. I think that women of my generation grew up with Disney movies and fairy tales and saw that a happy ever after was with a prince and marriage and a castle. We were conditioned to believe that our Prince Charming would be tall, dark, and handsome and sweep us off our feet on a white horse, carrying us away into the night. As a young child, that was what I saw my life to be when I grew up. As I grew and changed, my future plans changed. I realized I wasn’t going to be a princess, unfortunately. Instead, I wanted to be a Stepford Wife with the white picket fence and perfect hair with two incredibly polite cute children and a handsome rich husband. Obviously that didn’t happen either. As life happened, my views on life changed. I realized over time what was important. Money? It’s necessary, but not important. Looks? Eh, not important…except that I find them attractive (which, believe me, I can find almost ANYONE attractive if their personality makes up for it). Having a horse (or nice car)? Definitely not important. Through each failed relationship, I learned what I needed and wanted from a partner. I learned what I could deal with and what I couldn’t stand. I learned my strengths and found out who I was and what I could give. My girlfriend believes that love should come easy. That when it’s real and it’s true, everything falls into place and you understand each other. That things shouldn’t be hard, you shouldn’t have to work at love. The problem with that, for me, is that if that were true, I wouldn’t ever be in a relationship with ANYONE. I’m a very hard person to love. I know this. Yes, it’s easy for my friends to love me. It’s easy for people who barely know me to love me. But when you are trying to love me as a partner, it’s the most difficult thing in the world and I applaud anyone who tries. I am hard headed, stuck in my ways, emotional, combative, accusatory, etc. when I want to be. On the same token, I am also kind, loving, open minded, logical, understanding, etc. when I want to be. I have been in love before. Different kinds of love. Have I been in true love before? Soulmate love? I thought so. There was a time when I loved someone with my whole being, everything I was. The problem was that I was young. I didn’t know what I wanted or needed. I expected too much from them and expected not enough of myself. I learned a lot from that relationship and I honestly believe that it was a kind of love to teach me about myself. To teach me what I wanted from a relationship and from love. Now, I’m in a different kind of love. A love that my friend doesn’t understand. It’s a hard love. It’s an “I’m trying to get to know you, but what I do know I can’t live without” love. It’s a long distance love. It’s a “we have a lot of logistical shit to figure out” love. It’s a day to day love. I know what’s important now. I know what I need and what I want. I want someone who is an equal. Someone who can make me laugh and who understands my humor. Someone who takes my kids in and loves them because they love me. Someone who can look at me and without any words, calm me down if I’m worked up. Someone who understands who I am and where I come from and won’t hold that against me. Someone who accepts my past and looks forward to our future. I don’t need fancy cars or a big ol house, although they’d be nice. I don’t need a rock on my finger or a big white wedding, although marriage is a nice idea. I don’t need someone who always agrees with me or loves every little thing about me, although I know I’m right, so if they agreed it would make them extremely intelligent. My buttons need to be pushed. I need to be challenged, intellectually and socially. I want to be outside of my comfort zone and dared to do more than I think I can do. I want to be able to debate or fight with the person I love and get so mad that I don’t know what to even think anymore, and then come together and agree to disagree. Or they can learn and just agree with me. I am a passionate person and love passionately, which means I get upset easily but also am pleased easily. The kind of love that I need takes time to develop. It takes time to learn someone’s trigger points and maneuver them. I don’t want an easy love. I WANT a love that I work at every day. I don’t ever want to feel that I’m not showing the person I love that I love them. I believe everyone’s fairy tales are different. My fairy tale involves a tall dark handsome man who challenges me in every way. He’s not perfect, so far from it that I am shocked we click so well since I am as close to perfect as a person can get. He understands me and loves me and wants me. I knew I wouldn’t get a Prince Charming after I turned ten, now that I’m almost thirty, I don’t want him anyway.