Beauty Isn't About Being Skinny

I was fourteen years old. I was by no means fat, but I definitely had a few extra pounds I could afford to shed. My friends and I loved reading the tween magazines and watching music videos on MTV (back then they actually played videos!). For some reason, I looked at those stars and wanted to be like them. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera had flat stomachs and skinny legs. All the guys thought they were gorgeous, so of course, I wanted a flat stomach and skinny legs too.

I've always had curves, even as an early teen. My stomach has never been flat, even when I was a size zero. My family has a tummy pooch gene because all of us girls have it. That being said, no matter how hard I tried to lose it, I couldn't. I tried working out, I was on the track team and running everyday, nothing worked. I couldn't shrink my big ol thighs or my little pooch at all.
That's when I decided I needed to do more. I needed to take control of how I looked because when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see beautiful. I saw fat. I saw a girl who could never be loved how she was because who could love someone with such disgusting flaws? That's when I stopped eating.
I never felt more in control of my body then when I stopped eating. The hunger pains I felt only confirmed that I was doing the right thing. No one noticed and truly, I don't think anyone cared enough to pay attention. I started looking better in my clothes, I felt better because I looked better. Everything was falling into place.
It wasn't until my boyfriend at the time said something about me not eating that I changed things. I didn't have a "problem". I was perfectly fine. I didn't want to admit to anyone that anything was wrong and the fact that someone had taken notice, I couldn't have that happen. And so I slowly began eating again.
Ever since then, I've had major issues with my body. I've never been happy with how I look and I am continually trying to better myself. I was finally feeling comfortable in my own skin when I got pregnant with my daughter. Trying to get the weight off after I had her felt impossible. I was finally making leeway when oops, I got pregnant again with my son. Even if I didn't already have body issues, having two pregnancies in two years would have definitely created some. Things fell, stretch marks abounded, areas widened. My body was a horrible disfigurement that wasn't fit to be seen by even me. After two years of working hard, I am finally within 10-15 pounds (depending on the day) of my pre baby weight. I feel a little more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever felt before. I feel beautiful naked and will even allow others to see me naked and still feel beautiful.

The problem is, that fourteen year old still pokes her head out sometimes and tells me I'm fat, ugly, disfigured. She judges me when I stand in front of the mirror and tells me all the things that are wrong with me. She compares me to my skinny, toothpick friends and tells me how I'm the "fat" friend. She tells me not to eat that burger or not enjoy that yummy piece of cake at the end of a meal. She's mean to me and the fact is, I listen to her.
I'm a mature woman with two children. I'm not a toothpick. I'll never have a flat stomach. I'll always have thick thighs and a big ol booty. I'll always have my hourglass shape with love handles and stretch marks. My breasts are pancakes which have given nourishment to my children. My stomach isn't smooth because it was their home for a total of 20 months. I have scars, cellulite and curves for days.
My girlfriends may be skinny and that is beautiful for them, but I am just as beautiful. Every time fourteen year old Nicole comes out, I try to shove her back in by explaining to her that beauty isn't just being tiny. Beauty is about loving yourself and working with what you have. I may not have a flat stomach, but I do have a nice behind. I may not have big perky breasts, but mine are pretty amazing. I may not have skinny legs, but I've got some meaty thighs and calves of steel.
Sometimes it works, most times it doesn't. But I am trying really hard to work on my confidence.
I notice my daughter looking at me as I try on clothes and I have to bite my tongue when it comes to disparaging words about myself. I refuse to allow her to go through what I went through. I will do everything in my power to teach her that beauty isn't celebrities or pop idols. But first, I need to show her by loving myself as I am. Accepting that I am NOT my friends, that it is a little harder for me to keep weight off and I need to work with that. I have faith that twenty six year old Nicole can smack some sense into fourteen year old Nicole.