The day I became a mother

I fell in love with you long before I held you, long before I even felt you kick. I fell in love with you the moment I realized that you were going to exist someday. When I found out I was pregnant with you, my world turned upside down. I was so young and was far from being ready to be a mother. I wanted you to have everything. I wanted to be able to give you everything. I was still in college, working part time at the credit union. I was in no position to be a mother. I weighed all the choices and thought, I can't give this baby what it deserves. So I made an appointment to take care of things. I walked in the doctor's office that day with a heavy heart. They did an ultrasound, checked how far along I was, and told me to come back the following week and we'd get things done. I walked to my car afterward, confused by the emotions I was feeling. I thought I knew what I had to do. I thought I had made a decision that I was comfortable with. A decision that I knew the consequences of. As soon as I sat in my seat and closed the car door, the tears that I was holding back flowed. I couldn't stop them, and I wouldn't have even tried. I held my stomach so tight that you probably felt it. I was seven weeks along, with the worst morning sickness ever. I had lost 12 pounds, my clothes were falling off me, and I couldn't keep anything but water down. I was absolutely miserable, and yet, I felt you. I can't explain it, but it's as though your heart spoke to mine saying, I want you to be my mom, please give me a chance. How could I argue with that? How could I say no? How could I take this baby's chance away?
I went home that day and never looked back. My mind never once wavered, I wanted you with all my heart. I've never wanted anything else in the world more than I wanted to be able to hold you, kiss you, wipe your tears. You have given my life purpose. There have been times when I have wanted to tear my hair out. I have cried, screamed, thrown things. Yet, I would never regret the decision we (you and I) made to keep you. It breaks my heart to know that I was so close to actively choosing to lose the person who makes my life complete.
It's funny, people always told me that I would fall in love with you the minute I held you, but I already loved you so much. I didn't fall in love with you when you were born, I fell in love with you that moment in my car when I held you at 7 weeks along. That moment when our hearts touched, that was the moment I fell. When the nurse first laid you in my arms, I waited for the overwhelming "new" love to take hold of me. It didn't though, because it was already there. What did happen, instead, was our hearts had another conversation, thanking each other for sticking things out even when hope was low. To this day, I still feel your heart talking to mine, reassuring me that we are going to make it through whatever comes our way. We've been through so much in your short five years that I can't imagine what else will be thrown at us. No matter what happens, I will be there for you, right by your side. I will fight for you, live for you, and die for you.
Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for giving ME a chance. Thank you for giving me the love and strength that I need to be the kind of mother that you deserve. I truly believe that you are my angel.