Dearest Kynedi,
As you grow up, I know that you'll have questions about why your father and I aren't together, why we never married, and why you have two families. If you ask him, the story will probably have a lot more fiction than truth. Before time gets away from me and I start adding in a little fiction as well, I have to share the story with you. It's not an easy one for me to share because I made mistakes, as did your father. We aren't perfect, as much as I'd like you to believe that I am. The important thing is that I learned from my mistakes and can honestly say that I am a better person for them. I don't regret anything that happened because if I did, it would mean I regret you, and I could never ever do that.
The beginning. Ah well, I suppose that would be when I first saw your father. I was working at a credit union's call center and he transferred over from a branch. You may not see it now, but back then, he was definitely a looker. Since he didn't realize how casual the attire was in the call center, he showed up the first few days in collared shirts and ties. He won me over with the first smile. Obviously I won him over as well because my picture on the employee board kept going missing (when we finally moved in together, I found them all in a drawer in his house). We started talking at that time and he was very charming and I was in a relationship that had fizzled out.
Let me backtrack and tell you about that significant detail. At the time, I was with my high school sweetheart (let's call him Bob). We lived together and I absolutely loved him. Honestly, he was the greatest guy I think I will ever meet. He had a heart of gold, was a hard worker, dedicated family man, and loved me more than life itself. We talked marriage and kids, we had a future all planned out. Unfortunately, I was nineteen years old and trying to "find myself". I didn't feel the way I used to feel and didn't appreciate the love I had at home.
So your father and I began talking that fall in 2004. Slowly but surely, we went our separate ways and although we still saw each other at work, things changed between us. We went from friends to acquaintances. I still thought about him every once in awhile, but I was trying to make things work with "Bob". The following December, my entire world was turned upside down. I had heard some rumors about your father and didn't want to talk to him because of them. At our company's Christmas party, he cornered me. He asked why I wouldn't talk to him, and we got into a serious conversation. By the end of the party, he had me in his grasp again. "Bob" picked me up that night, but I spent the entire night on the phone with your father, catching up and making plans. "Bob" was angry. He didn't understand why I was talking to this guy and I couldn't explain it. Over the next month, I hung out with your father almost every day. I used the excuse that I was Christmas shopping and once Christmas was over, it got to the point where I didn't use excuses anymore, I would just leave, no questions asked. I think "Bob" knew, but he didn't straight out ask me. Sometimes I wish he would have.
On New Year's Eve in 2005, I took a test that would change my path forever. I found out I was pregnant with you. I didn't know how to handle the news, I was only twenty years old, living with one man and pretty positive that the baby in my belly was another man's. I told your father that I was pregnant and he was pretty calm with the news at first. I was actually shocked at how calm he was. I remember I told him in the staircase at work and he just kissed my forehead and said, it'll be ok. A month later, he also told me that he wasn't positive if you were his because I was living with another man (which I could understand and respect) and he wasn't ready for a relationship. He didn't want to be at my side during the pregnancy because if you turned out not to be his, he wouldn't be able to take that, which I could also understand.
I also told "Bob" I was pregnant, and that the baby was most likely not his. That was the hardest conversation I've ever had to have. We both cried, surprisingly there was no yelling, just tears and love. It didn't take long, but "Bob" left the decision to me. He told me that if I wanted to keep you, he would be there. He said that he loved me and the child I was carrying. He wanted to be there for me and for you, no matter who's child you biologically were. I wish I had respected that choice he made more, but I was young and conflicted. At first, we decided that he was the father, no matter what. And he was the best partner I could have ever had during that period of time. You were loved so incredibly much by both of us. His family loved you so much as well.
I chose not to tell your father when you were born and instead had "Bob" there because he had been by my side throughout. Your father decided at the last minute that he finally wanted to try to be a part of the pregnancy "just in case". I didn't feel that was fair, I couldn't understand how one man would be there NO MATTER who's baby it biologically was and the other wouldn't be there AT ALL because there might be a chance it wasn't his. As soon as I looked at your beautiful face though, there wasn't any doubt whose child you were. You were your daddy all the way. "Bob" knew as well as I did, but he acted as though you looked like him. We would find little features that looked like his and point them out to people. We wanted to believe it SO bad because we were trying to have a fresh start.
Your father finally saw you when you were seven days old. We met in the parking lot of the grocery store and he held you for the first time. Sometimes I wonder if that was a mistake on my part. I had been so strong until that point in standing my ground. The minute I saw him look at you, my guard fell and I couldn't be strong anymore. We all knew that you were his, so when he asked for a DNA test, I felt that I had to. "Bob" fought me on that one. He said that as of right now, he didn't know for sure, he could believe that you were his and he didn't have to have proof that you weren't waved in his face. Once we had proof, he would know that you weren't his and he didn't want to look at you differently. Yet, even after the test came back, he still loved you with all his heart. He'd come home from work and put on the MTV channel that actually played videos and he would dance you around the living room.
By the time you were a year old though, your father had worked his magic enough to convince me to move in with him. That first year had been a battle. We went through a custody court case (which I eventually dropped), a domestic violence dispute, a dui, and a name change for you. "Bob" and I weren't as close as we used to be and it was getting harder for me to stay. In my mind, I thought you should have your parents be together and I didn't want you growing up in two different homes. If your father finally wanted to be with me, then I was willing to give it a try with him. "Bob" took it pretty hard and although I was willing to let him still see you, he decided it would be best for all involved if he didn't. I want you to know though, that man loved you as though you were his flesh and blood. It was my fault that he isn't around now and you probably won't ever remember him, but just in case, know that he didn't walk away easily. It tore him apart to let go of you but it was what he felt he had to do, for your sake and for his.
Once your dad and I started officially living together, things seemed to quiet down. We still fought quite a bit but we tried hard to be a real family. We hadn't fought in months when I found out I was pregnant with your brother. When I took the test, I came out and told your father, I'm about to tell you something and you're going to be happy about it because I want to look back on this memory and know it was a good one. I showed him the test and he scooped me up and we danced around the kitchen. I'll never forget the happiness we genuinely felt. This time, he knew it was his child for sure. We were living together with you and it really felt like a family. That lasted a good month or so before things got bad again. We started fighting again, a lot. Your dad slept on the couch almost every night and I spent a lot of time crying in my car or laying with you crying in the bedroom. It finally got to the point where I decided I needed to leave. I quit my job, packed us up and we flew down to Washington to visit my grandparents and then to Colorado to visit with your aunt (my sister).
I can honestly say that at the time, I was hoping I would have the courage to start over in Colorado. I was hoping that I would be able to leave and never look back. I wanted to run away from everything and begin a new life with new people. Your dad must have sensed it because he became the man he was when I first fell for him. He promised me things would be different and that he truly loved me. So we came home. Things were actually decent between us until your brother was born. He helped to make our family more than just two people with a kid. You fell in love with him, I fell in love with him, and your father fell in love with all of us. We were a true family and I wanted it to last forever.
I don't regret any of what happened between us. I loved your father because he helped create you. I still love your father because of you and Colevin. That love will never go away and I will always be there for him if need be. We have a complicated, confusing, abnormal history that even I have a problem understanding sometimes. But without him, there wouldn't be a you, or a Colevin. Without him, I wouldn't have the beliefs and values when it comes to a relationship that I do now. I know what I won't put up with and I know what I am willing to compromise on. I learned so much from your father about who I am as a person and who I want you to be. I made mistakes, I hurt people who didn't deserve to be hurt, and I ended up paying for that. I will never ever make the same mistakes again because I know how much pain I caused the people around me. Your father made mistakes as well, he hurt me in so many ways, he manipulated and controlled me and actually admits to it now. I hope he has also learned from our relationship and he even told me that you made him realize that he loves me for the same reasons that I love him.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you the family or life that you deserved. It breaks my heart every day that you have to go back and forth between us. It hurts that I get so stressed out when I have you guys because I have to do it all on my own and I end up taking it out on you. I wanted you to have your parents together, but in my young mistaken mind, I ended up making decisions that tore us apart. Know that we aren't perfect, but we both love you and your brother unconditionally.
Love,
Your Mother
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